


Tristitia (Sadness)

by i_amnerd



Category: The Tomorrow People (2013)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 20:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7907377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_amnerd/pseuds/i_amnerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John turns his head into Stephen's chest, burying his face in his sweater.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tristitia (Sadness)

**Author's Note:**

> This is... not the story that I was going to write. It's set sometime around the end of S1, when John's staying at Stephen's house. There's no way that he wasn't falling apart, even just a little bit - this is the emotion that I wanted to see from him when I was wondering how it's possible for someone to go through all of that and not break down.

John laughs, quietly, bitterly.

Hunched over and curled into his hoodie, he seems beaten down, like a scared, lost kid. He's sitting at Stephen's mom's kitchen table, head resting in his hands, shaking as he tries to calm down. Stephen tentatively places a hand on the older man's shoulder; he flinches but eventually leans into the touch with a small sigh.

“It's okay.”

“It really isn't.”

There's a sob in his voice that wasn't there before.

“What can I do?”

“I don't know.”

John turns his head into Stephen's chest, burying his face in his sweater. He reaches up to tangle his fingers in the fabric, gripping it tightly and twisting, fist clenched hard enough to whiten his knuckles. Stephen wraps his arms around him in a tight hug.

“You need to talk about it.”

“I can't.”

Stephen rubs circles on John's back. He knows it's not much, any of it, but he hopes it's enough.

“Please.”

John stiffens.

“I...” He gulps, fighting back tears, “It's too... I don't... I...”

Struggling to breathe, he lifts his eyes, wide and green and fearful, to meet Stephen's, brown and deep and worried. His chest feels constricted, his heart beats wildly, out of time; he's had enough panic attacks to know what's happening.

“Calm down.”

If John could breathe, he'd laugh. If he could calm down at will, this wouldn't be happening. He presses his ear against Stephen’s chest, listening for the heart beat, trying to match it, to slow down. Hyperventilating hurts, which doesn't help.

“Fuck me.”

When he can finally breathe again, the world seems blurry and distant. He pulls away from Stephen to lean on the table, arms folded, head down. The room spins.

“John? You with me?”

He nods.

“Yeah.”

Stephen pulls him to his feet and together they somehow make it to the couch. John sinks into it, then smiles vaguely as Stephen flops down next to him, pulling him into his lap. He stares angrily at a loose thread in the knee of his jeans, fiddling absently, not trusting himself to speak. Stephen talks aimlessly about everything and nothing, and it washes over John like a warm tide on a summers day. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, and then all at once.

The whoosh of air startles Stephen and when John twists to see his face, he looks concerned. John smiles, small and tentative, in a way that he hopes is at least a little reassuring. He's used to power, being in charge, in control, and having that taken away from himself, by his own body no less, always makes him feel small, and weak.

“How're you doing?”

Stephen still sounds a little scared but he's doing his best.

“Okay.”

John's voice is small and shaky and so not how he expects himself to sound. He burrows further into Stephen's grasp, willing himself not to cry, willing Stephen not to read his thoughts because he just doesn't have the energy to keep the walls up right now, when he needs them the most.

“No you're not.”

“Hmm.”

“John, please talk to me.”

There are tears in Stephen's voice. John swallows, hard. He wraps one hand loosely around Stephen's arm and pulls himself up so he's sitting in the younger boy's lap. This time, he takes it slow.

“They all leave.”

“Who?”

“My parents and... Or they force me to leave.”

“Cara?”

“And Jed.”

Jedikiah was like a father to him, the first he'd ever had and like everything else in his life, it had inevitably turned to shit. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop with Stephen because nothing lasted, nothing good.

“I won't leave.”

He looks at Stephen sharply.

“Um...”

“I'm not in your head, I just... I'm not like them, okay?”

“You can't promise that.”

Stephen looks so incredibly sad that for a moment, John wants to take it all back.

“No, I can't. But I'm here right now and I'm not planning on going anywhere.”

“Yeah.”

John sighs and leans back. He wants to remember this moment, feeling safe and loved. For that moment, it feels as if everything might actually be okay, in the end.


End file.
